Just Say No
by BananaPropaganda
Summary: Updated! But the Shinsengumi are sick of Suess, so they go for something a bit deeper, a bit more Genius, a bit more Tim Burton. And Hijikata is not happy with his role.
1. Chapter 1: Red Bean Mochi

A/N—Okay. Don't stop me if you've heard this before; that's a good thing. Silly crap. Possibly funny. Probably a oneshot for now, though if I get any brilliant ideas for other Seuss favorites, they could show up.

And of course, I don't own Peacemaker Kurogane or Green Eggs and Ham. Though I don't see how I could own both, really… Perhaps Nanae Chrono is Dr. Seuss' secret identity. He just wanted everyone to think he was dead. (-Shifty eyes-)

Terms:

Red Bean Mochi: Not sure exactly what this is. Sweet bean paste or something like that… Well, the important part is that it's sweet and that it rhymes with Souji.

Baka: Idiot, stupid

Shinai: Practice sword

Edo: Present-day Tokyo, where Kondou's group was originally from.

Hokkaido: Far off frozen wastelands in northern Japan.

Kyoto: The current capital, where Shinsengumi HQ is located

Onto the randomness!

Red Bean Mochi (Also Known As: "Just Say _No"_)

Hijikata Toshizou puffs serenely on his pipe in his room, relishing the quiet around Headquarters that patrol time and rainy days always bring. Consequently, today was both, making it even better. The calm made paperwork considerably easier and therefore considerably less dangerous, as _easier_ also meant _less-prone-to-frustration_, which was lucky for any nearby members and a certain page who was lurking about.

Suddenly, he hears approaching footsteps, then the door sliding open, but he doesn't turn to look. There were few people who would do such a thing, and the intruder is quite quick to introduce himself anyway.

A scrawled sign is falls lightly onto his paperwork. It reads: "Okita Souji. Okita Souji." As if this didn't explain enough, a perky voice suddenly blasts into Hijikata's poor, unfortunate right ear, "I am Okita Souji!"

"Baka Souji, Baka Souji," Hijikata growls dangerously. "You'd better shut up, Okita Souji."

Undaunted as always, Okita smiles and pushes a plate of candy in front of his sign. "Do you like red bean mochi?" he asks happily.

Hijikata stares at him with annoyed ire both at his persistence and his stupid rhyme. Surely it wasn't only red bean mochi on the plate. It was all sorts of tooth-rotting brat-food. "I do not like it, Baka Souji," he answers with an impressive amount of calm. "I do not like red bean mochi."

With horror, Hijikata realizes that he just rhymed. Souji smiles wickedly as if that were a diabolical plan of his. He continues with, "Would you like it in Hokkiado or Edo?"

Hijikata slams a piece of paperwork that he had been looking over onto his desk. "I would not like them in Hokkaido or Edo. And I don't like them in Kyoto! I do not like red bean mochi. I do not like it, Baka Souji!"

With this, he storms away without looking back. Though his hopes of getting some paperwork done without any injuries have been dashed, he certainly does not want to be harassed by Souji, as he _doesn't_ do paperwork. He slips into the Training Hall—the First Unit Captain seems to have given up—seeing that Kondou is watching as a few of the off-duty men quietly train. Hijikata makes to saunter to the Commander, but a figure dressed in raggedly training clothes thrusts a shinai innocently in his way. He turns to scold the man, but finds Okita grinning at him broadly, balancing the tray of sweets on his head.

"Would you eat it in the dojo?" he inquires politely, skipping about in his incessantly irritating, _feminine_ manner. "Would you try it with Commander Kondou?"

With much self-control, Hijikata turns on his heel and leaves the safety of shelter, grabbing an umbrella sitting by the door and stomping out into the rain. Okita follows him for a bit, but stops when he growls at him. "I do not like it in the dojo, and I do not like it with Commander Kondo. I do not like it in Hokkaido or Edo. And I don't like it here in Kyoto. I do not like red bean mochi. I do not like it, Baka Souji!"

He proceeds to stomp through the streets of Kyoto, radiating negative energy. People hastily step out of his way, giving him a wider berth than usual. After getting away from Headquarters, be feels slightly better, but then catches glimpse of the Comedian Trio taking shelter from the cold rain under a large tree by the river. Undoubtedly, he thinks, they acting immeasurably stupid, and therefore, shirking off their duties as Shinsengumi. As the three of them are far easier to terrorize and loom over threateningly than Okita, he heads in their direction.

The three go pale as Shinpachi notices him coming, making his traditional "Oh crap!" face and tugging on the blue-and white haori of his friends. They make their scared faces too, but theirs aren't quite as satisfying to their Vice-Commander than freckled, wide-eyed, short-and-_shrinking_ Shinpachi as he tries to disappear. His effort is much better than Harada's, either way. And yet, just as Hijikata is close enough to loom over them menacingly, Okita pops out of the tree, hanging upside-down and holding his plate right side up. Somehow he has managed to change back into his usual white yukata.

"Would you eat it in a tree? Would you eat it with Jokers Three?" He motions cheerily to his comrades, who have since sensed more danger than usual and look mortified at the fact that they have been noticed.

Hijikata lunges for Souji's long hair, but the Captain pulls upward just at the right time, then comes back down and stares at the man inquiringly. Thinking with what sanity he had left that it might be better to loose one of three than their best Captain, the irked Vice-Commander decides to throttle one of the Jokers first as a warning. But, to his dismay, they have fled. Trying hard, he finally just barks out, "Not in a tree! Not with those three! Not in the dojo, and not with Kondou! I wouldn't eat it in Hokkaido or Edo, and I will not eat it here in Kyoto! I do not like red bean mochi! I do not like it, Baka Souji!"

But by then, his stalker has floated elsewhere. He looks around warily, and with good reason. He is suddenly scooped up onto a horse. Okita is steering the poor animal quite recklessly, and to make things worse, turns to him with one of his sweet, just-innocent-enough-to-maybe-actually-be-innocent smiles and presents the platter.

"Would you? Could you? On this horse? Try it? Try it! Yes, of course!" Taking his own answer for an answer rather than taking Hijikata's dangerous scowl for an answer, he grabbed a piece of candy and tried to poke it into the man's mouth.

He smacks Okita's hand away, causing him to drop the candy and mournfully watch it grow farther and farther away as the horse continues to move, pulling roughly on the reins of the horse. It stops with a whinny and the Demon slides off of it. "I could not, would not, on this horse." He informs the parasite menacingly.

"You might like it," Okita continues. "You will see. You might like them with…"

The Captain trails off, looking desperately for something to rhyme with. Hijikata smiles at his triumph… Until, of course, that stupid _Buddha_ appears, walking along with that ridiculous abacus. "You might like them with Yamanami!" he finishes with vigor, halting the other man and stuffing candy into his mouth.

Hijikata ignores his fellow Vice-Commander, who may or may not have been choking, and glares up at Okita. "I would not, could not with Yamanami. Not on that horse! Souji! Let me be! I do not like it in a tree! I do not like it with those three! I do not like it in the dojo! I do not like it with Commander Kondou! I do not like it in Hokkaido or Edo, and I definitely don't like it in Kyoto! I do not like red bean mochi! I do not like it, Baka Souji!"

Okita's face lights up as he focuses on something behind Hijikata. "A boat! A boat! A boat! A boat! Could you, would you, on a boat?" He grabs the man and hops into a passing boat, which is much smaller than the other man anticipated, as it rocks dangerously when they settle in. The man steering is not at all startled.

"No!" he snarls. "Not in a boat! Not with Yamanami! Not on a horse! Souji! Let me be! I would not, could not under a tree. I could not, would not, with those three. I will not eat it with Commander Kondou, and I will not eat it in the dojo. I will not eat it in Hokkaido or Edo. I will not eat it in Kyoto! I do not like red bean mochi! I do not like it, Baka Souji!" He takes a swipe at Souji's head, but the man ducks out of the way just as they float under a bridge.

"Say! In the dark? Here in the dark! Would you, could you, in the dark?"

"I would not, could not, in the dark," Hijikata informs him, trying hard not to go on with the rest of the whole _rhyming _list. Just as they exit from under the bridge (which he realizes really wasn't that dark underneath) his umbrella scrapes on the bottom of it and he drops it. "Damn…" he mutters, eyes glowing demonically as the cold rain washes over him.

"Would you, could you, in a coat?" Okita offers, pulling Hijikata's white and black haori out of thin air and holding it out to him.

"Souji!" he roars demonically, snatching his haori away and pulling his pipe from the folds of his black yukata. He attempts to hit Okita over the head with it, but he dances out of the way, rocking the boat everywhere. He looks as if he is about to ask something else.

Feeling as if he needs to clarify, Hijikata barks, "I would not could not, with a coat. Not in the dark, not in a boat! Not on a horse, not with Yamanami! I do not like sweets, Souji, you see. Not in a tree!" Before continuing, he decides to put the rest in an order so that they won't rhyme. "And…not in a dojo! Not with those three, and not with Commander Kondou! I will not try it in Edo or Hokkaido. I will not try it in Kyoto!" (With horror, he realizes that he rhymed anyway.)

"You do not like red bean mochi?" Okita asks sadly.

Hijikata is thrilled that the boy finally gets it. Perhaps he won't have to sentence the Captain to seppuku (on the terms of being extremely annoying) after all. "I do not like it, Okita Souji," he confirms.

The boy looks away dejectedly as if he is going to finally give up, but then spots an ornately dressed geisha walking on the side of the road and waves. "Could you, would you, with Sakura?" he asks, motioning to the woman.

"I would not, could not, with Sakura," he says, arms crossed as he hops off of the boat as it nears the bank of the river.

Okita follows and motions around them. The rain has stopped and bright lights and women surround them. "Would you, could you, in Shimabara?"

"I could not, would not in Shimabara!" he thunders, towering over Okita, who remains smiling. "I will not, will not with Sakura! I will not eat it with a coat! I will not eat it in a boat! Not in the dark! Not with Yamanami! Not on a horse! You let me be! I do not like it in a tree! I do not like it with those three! I will not eat it in the dojo! I do not like it with Commander Kondou! I do not like them in Hokkaido or Edo, and I do not like them in Kyoto! I do not like red bean mochi! I do not like sweets, _Baka _Souji!"

Okita waits, making sure that he does not have to duck or run away, then sighs serenely. "You don't like sweets, so you say. Try it! Try it! And you may. Try some and you may, I say."

"Souji!" Hijikata snaps, exasperated. "If you'll let me be. Then I'll try them, and then you'll…Damn! Then you'll know. Ha. That didn't rhyme."

Okita frowns but hands the plate of sweets off to him eagerly, leaning in close to watch. Hijikata looks at them with loathing. The comedian trio, Yamanami, Kondou and all of the commuters in Shimabara stop to watch with curious eyes. Hijikata moves his hand to the platter, hovering over the candies indignantly. Okita inches closer.

And then he slams the tray into the Captain's face, a snarl plastered on his own countenance. Everyone else flees in fear, screaming and then sprinting away.

"Ha!" he snaps triumphantly. "I told you I wouldn't try them, you jerk! Now stop screwing around and get back to work!"

Okita wipes himself clean and bows humbly, and yet, there is a wide, evil smirk splitting his face in two. "Of course," he says sweetly. "Anything for you, as this day couldn't have been blander…without you my dear, rhyming Vice-Commander."

He skips away happily to hunt for Choshu as Hijikata screams into the sky in exasperation, "I do so hate that red bean mochi! I hate you! I hate you, Baka Souji!"


	2. Chapter 2: The Nightmare Before XMas

A/N-Inspiration has been slow. Perhaps when Horton Hears a Who comes out (I'll be there opening night) I'll get some more Suess-esque ideas, but today I had a better idea:

Let's let the cast of Peacemaker Kurogane take on the creative genius Tim Burton and his greatest work ever…The Nightmare Before Christmas!!!! –waits for applause- Don't you dare tell me Sweeney Todd was better. It was amazingly awesome, but NMBX-mas was—always will be—the best. Edward Scissorhands is a close third.

But anyway. The characters fit in surprisingly well. I don't know how funny it came out, but even if it's not, it should at least be slightly entertaining. Oh, and about all of the Hijikata Vs. Yamanami moments: I've never really thought they've really liked each other much. I mean, they're almost polite to one another when they're not arguing, but even if they did get along once…I'm sensing it's all a front by time they joined the Shinsengumi. Or maybe it's there, just really, really deep down. –Shifty eyes- Or whatever.

And I don't own PMK or NMBX-mas. I'm not a creative genius like Tim Burton, for Buddha's sake. Heh.

The cast!

Yamanami: Jack Skellington

Saizou: Zero

Akesato: Sally

Hijikata: Oogie Boogie

Okita: Lock

Susumu: Shock

Tetsu: Barrel

Kondou: Mayor

Ryoma: Sandy Claws

Comedian Trio: Musicians

Random Shinsengumi: Random Townspeople

Yoshida: Doctor Finkelstein

Suzu: Igor

Random Shop Owner: Director ()

The Shinsengumi Presents: Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas

The cast is readying themselves for their first scene: rehearsing lines and putting on final bits of makeup and costumes in the safety of Headquarters. Just outside is a myriad of different sets. Through the mess Hijikata spots the timid Kimono shop owner after half an hour of angry searching and stomps over to the man before he has a chance to sneak away.

"Hey, you!" he snaps at the frightened man, making him jump.

"S-sir?" he replies quietly, shrinking under Hijikata's unhappy gaze.

"I've just read the script. Now, please, do tell me why that smiling idiot is the hero—" he motions to Yamanami violently—"and that pyromaniac is an almost decent character—" he points to Yoshida, who is playing with a lighter in a corner of the set—"but I'm the villain."

"I-I couldn't, sir!"

Hijikata glares daggers at the man. "How did I end up the bad guy, huh? You're _Choshu_, aren't you? Anti-Shinsengumi smartass, hm?"

"N-no!" the man squeaks out quickly, before Hijikata throttles him. "One of your fellow actors did the casting, I swear! I hate the Choshu! Hate them!"

Hijikata turns away suddenly, drawing his pipe from within the folds of his costume (a burlap sack), and pondering whom it might have been. (Behind him, Yoshida, Suzu, and Ryoma are harassing the director about his anti-Choshu views, the former two with their newfound lighter, and the latter with a very loud speech.) The Shinsengumi Vice-Commander looks coolly around at his fellows, judging carefully. Yamanami is laughing lightly as Todou pokes interestedly at his bat-shaped corsage, but he isn't vain enough to cast himself as the hero. Souji is looking more mischievous than usual in a devil costume and with a sack of candy—he's a possibility. Yamazaki and Ichimura are mortified at their parts.

Then he sees her. Akesato, dressed in her rag doll dress, smiling contentedly right at him. Everything is suddenly explained.

Well, not why they were doing this in the first place, but everything else.

[Scene after "Jack's Obsession," when Jack begins giving everyone their jobs for Christmas.

Yoshida[Rolls up to Yamanami's podium in a crappy wheelchair, looking shiftily around for any sign of the escaped Akesato

Yamanami[A bit reluctantly Doctor! Thank you for coming[Pulls picture of reindeer pulling Santa's sleigh from a nearby sack of presumably stolen Christmas items We need some of these.

Yoshida: Hmm. Their construction should be exceedingly simple. Just too tough for Shogunate dogs, right? Tenchu[Pulls out lighter and burns the picture of Santa

Yamanami: …Well then. That's an appropriate reaction.

[Take Two

Yoshida: Hmm. Their construction should be exceedingly simple, I think. [Rolls away glaring daggers

Kondou: How horrible our Christmas will be!

Yamanami: No—How _jolly!_

Kondou[Frowny face Oh…how jolly. [Reels back after getting hit by candy, then looks around unhappily What are _you_—?

Okita[Glomps Kondou-saaaan! It was in the script, honest. It's okay, though, 'cause this candy is cheap. _Nothing like Kyoto's sweets_. [Sends demonic glare at director _You _said—

[Please stand by

New Director: Wait, what did you say happened to the other director?

Shinpachi: Um…he was tragically killed in a freak cheap candy accident. Accident. Freak. Meaning it won't happen again. Probably.

Okita[Skips over Hello new director! I'm a Demon's Child!

New Director: …Alrighty then. How much am I getting paid?

Hijikata: Nothing. But you're being held against your will at sword point. [Pokes him from behind with katana So hop to it.

New Director: Action!!

[Take Three

Kondou: What are _you _doing here?!

Okita: Jack sent for us!

Susumu[Dully Specifically.

Tetsu[Boredly By name.

Okita: Lock!

Susumu: …Shock.

Tetsu: Barrel.

Comedian Trio[From off set Boo! Hiss!

Okita: Seriously. You guys can't be that bad of actors. [Suddenly cold and serious _Stop screwing around_.

Director: Cut!

Susumu: Why am I a girl?

Tetsu: 'Cause you're a CROSSDRESSER! Ha!

Susumu: …

Tetsu: No eyebrows! Anyway, why do I have to play a lackey for Hijikata-san?! It pisses me off, damn it!

Okita: Because you are a lackey for Hijikata-san. _Now quiet_.

[Take Four

Okita, Susumu, Tetsu, one after another: Lock! Shock! Barrel!

Kondou: Jack! It's Oogie's boys!

Yamanami: Ah, Halloween's finest trick-or-treaters! The job I have for you is top secret! It requires craft, cunning, mischief!

Susmu[Girlish giggle And we thought you didn't like us, Jack.

[Everyone (save for Yamanami) tries very hard to hold back fits of laughter, and things thankfully continue soon after

Yamanami[After waiting patiently for the less mature folk to quiet down Absolutely no one is to know about it. Not. A. Soul. Now— [Whispers to the three, then they begin to walk away. He pulls them back. And one more thing—Leave that No-Account _Jerk_ Oogie Boogie out of it!

Hijikata: I don't remember the jerk part being in the script, Yamanami-_san_.

Yamanami: Must have slipped. [Smiles thinly at Hijikata

[Tense Silence

Director: Cut!

[Scene where Lock, Shock, and Barrel take Santa to Oogie's lair

Okita, Susumu, Tetsu[Laughing evilly, Okita with much more gusto than the others

Ryoma[Tied up in a trick-or-treat bag Don't do this! Naughty children don't get scouted into the navy, Okkie!

Okita: Hehhehheh. Good, then. You'll stop talking to me, you freak.

Susumu[Quickly ignores the screw up as they try to shove Ryoma down a little pipe leading from their clubhouse to Oogie's lair. I think he might be too big!

Okita[Crazed look Nonsense[Pulls out his katana and pokes at Ryoma's rear violently with the blunt end I'll show you where you can put your navy, freak! Shinsengumi forever! Truth!

Ryoma[Who can't see what's going on What the hell?! Rape!

Director: Violence! Ah, cut!

[Take Two

Susumu: I think he might be too big!

Okita[Who has since calmed down No he's not. If he can go down a chimney, he can fit down here[Shoves

Ryoma[Squeezes painfully through a long group of pipes, then lands dazed on a colorful roulette wheel, surrounded by darkness. He looks around worriedly

[Music starts from somewhere, and smelly smoke from Hijikata's pipe drifts into Ryoma's face, making him cough

Hijikata: Well, well, well. What have we here? Sandy Claws, huh? Oooh, I'm really scared… [Notices the music and that he is (shudder) _rhyming_ What the hell is this? This is a song? No way! Ichimura! Sing _for_ me!

Tetsu: B-but I've got my own song!

Okita[Glomps Hijikata-saaaaaaan! Please sing for us[-Heart-Heart-

Hijikata[Gives Souji a dull look Aa. Fine, I'll do it.

Director: Hey! There's no Shonen-Ai in this movie! Cut that lovey—

[Sound of katana clicking out of its sheath

[Please stand by

Director3: What did you say happened to the last director?

Okita[Happily Well, he tasted Hijikata-san's blade, but no worries—I've got a good feeling about you.

Director3[Snippily Aren't you the Shinsengumi, though? Why are you playing around with crap like this when you should be out on the streets, protecting the people of Kyoto?! You Wolves of Mibu—

[Please Stand By

Okita[Finds Saito lurking in the shadows Congrats. You're out new director.

Saito[Sleepily, in monotone Yay.

Yamanami: Eh…perhaps to avoid losing our Third Unit Captain in an…accident, we should just finish today with scenes where all the actors are totally consenting.

[Scene after "Kidnap the Sandy Claws," back at town hall

Comedian Trio[Playing a evil-sounding version of Jingle Bells on their respective instruments

Kondou: Next!

Shinpachi: Wait! That's it?! That's all we get?! Come on— [Is ushered off stage

Yamanami: Um… Fantastic! Now why don't you all practice on that, and we'll be in great shape!

[Heisuke and Sano mope grudgingly away as Akesato steps up to the podium worriedly

Yamanami: Sally, I need your help more than anyone's.

Akesato: You certainly do, Jack. I had the most horrible vision!

Yamanami[Laughing That's splendid!

Akesato: No! It was about your Christmas. There was smoke and fire!

Yamanami[Laughs distractedly, looking around in his sack of Christmas stuff That's not my Christmas. My Christmas is filled with laughter and joy—and this[Pulls design for Santa outfit out of bag My Sandy Claws outfit! And I want _you_ to make it.

Akesato: Jack, please listen to me! It's going to be a disaster!

Yamanami: How could it be—just follow the pattern. [Gestures This part is red, the trim is white.

Akesato: It's a mistake, Jack.

Yamanami: Now don't be modest. Who else is clever enough to make my Sandy Claws outfit[Shoos away

Kondou: Next!

Akesato: But it seems wrong to me. Very wrong.

Saito[About to say "Cut" as everyone waits eagerly to celebrate after getting a scene on the fist take

Hijikata[Comes onto the set and pushes Yamanami, then stalks away

Everyone[Uneasy silence


End file.
